What A Midlife Crisis Feels Like

Posted on 11. Nov, 2008 by Karen in Death and Dying, Family and Friends, Midlife Moments, Reflections

In the next hour I will be at my aunt’s funeral.  Aunt Hazel died last Friday at 79.  And to be honest, I can’t imagine the world without her.  My earliest memories of her are of a loving woman who always said what she meant and meant what she said.  “No nonsense” was her mantra.  Good cooking and a great sense of humor were her forte.  She was part of the fabric of my life.

I talk a lot here about midlife and transformation and how this is all a bridge to the better half of life.  Most of the time that’s really what I believe.  But today, life is feeling more like a midlife crisis.  Here’s how it’s hitting me right now:

  1. My aunt has died.
  2. She was my mother’s younger sister–my 10 years–and my mother is still living.
  3. My mother has dementia and although we’ve told her about her sister’s death, it’s hard to know how she’s taking this sad news.
  4. That makes me sad.
  5. I’m here in Virginia surrounded by cousins–Aunt Hazel and Mom are the last elders on this side of the family.  My mother and immediate family can’t be here so it’s just me from the Michigan contingency.
  6. All the young cousins I held as babies are now grown and having families of their own.
  7. My older cousin who’s 75 feels like a peer and my cousin who’s just a few years old is about to turn 60.
  8. Yes I pretend sometimes that I’m only as young as I think but 60 is around the corner for me too.

Well enough from me now.  I’ve got to leave for the funeral.  You’ve got a sense of what a midlife crisis feels like to me today.

What about you?

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8 Responses to “What A Midlife Crisis Feels Like”

  1. b

    11. Nov, 2008

    Oh darlin’!

    I too have been experiencing what you described so well in this post.
    Favourite parents, aunties and uncles falling prey to the ailments of the elderly: dementia, illness, death.

    Last month, I participated in a very convivial reunion of cousins from one side of the family. As adults, the 10 of us had never created an opportunity to spend time together and ‘bond’ – until now. What with the passing of our parents’ generation, we’re realizing that our generation is now ‘it’. The ‘cuzzies’ range in age from 40-60 yrs. and we want to be ‘the kids’ again. But no. Instead, we struggle to survive the loss of the previous gen. We want to and need to move ahead in spite of the emptiness and the lingering pain of their being gone.

    Our hope is to create some excellent, joyful and caring moments of our own and have precious family memories for our own offspring to remember – and consider – in their futures…

    Thinking of you.

  2. Nana

    11. Nov, 2008

    I’m so sorry you lost your dear aunt. I can certainly sympathize with you. My baby sister died about a month ago in a car accident. She was supposed to die AFTER me, and certainly after my parents, who are still alive to grieve for a lost child.

    This year will really be different without my sister, especially for my parents and my sister’s big family, who all live in Florida. Because my sister was the only kid who lived near my parents, I am heading to Florida this year, even though my own kids are all gathering together here at my house.

    Were I my younger self, I might not have made this decision, but as we get older, we understand better the importance of being there for loved ones in any way we can. We know that someday we will want the same from them.

    Best to you as you cope with the loss of your loved one.
    Nana
    http://www.nanadiaries.com

  3. Chris

    11. Nov, 2008

    I am sorry to hear about your aunt. As I get older, some days I too feel like there is too much “ending” going on, and not enough “beginning” …but it’s sad to read someone so strong like you feeling so down. I hope that you will find comfort in knowing that your writings bring a lot of inspiration to others out here in the blog world and I’m sure the same is true with the people who know you in person. Hang in there; tomorrow is a new day.

  4. ByJane

    11. Nov, 2008

    I know the feeling. For me it happens when I see my nieces and nephews as all-grownup parents. Or when I bend down to put lotion on my leg after a shower and, my god, what’s with all this crepey skin. This, darlin’, is why we do this blogging thing, so’s we can moan about it to each other and have an audience.

  5. Rod

    12. Nov, 2008

    Karen,
    One of the thoughts that I live with on a daily basis, especially when life is weighing me down, is “I’m glad I won’t feel this way forever.” Our feelings change on a frequent and regular basis and the emotions you’re experiencing right now are exactly the ones you should be experiencing.
    But you larger role in the scheme of things is to be a brave, honest and progressive voice for your many readers. You have always been that for me and your honesty in identifying and sharing your thoughts is what makes you a unique, singular and valuable voice for all of your readers.
    Love always,
    Rod

  6. Stacey

    12. Nov, 2008

    I am truly sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time.

  7. Allison

    13. Nov, 2008

    I am so sorry, I can only guess how difficult that must be. I’m fortunate enough that this hasn’t begun happening yet for me personally, but 3 friends lost their mothers last year and it began to dawn on me that this is a big part of getting older. It’s sobering.

    I’m glad you have your sister and little Peanut, that has to be a source of comfort in the middle of your sadness.

    Sending a hug and some prayers your way….

  8. Karen

    13. Nov, 2008

    b–what encouraging words. I too found that the sadness of my aunt’s death was softened somewhat with the wonderful time I spent with 3 generations of cousins ranging from 5 to 75 years old. Pretty amazing, huh! Thanks for sharing this–it helped me focus on the positive.

    Nana–OMG. I’m so sorry to hear about your sister. I have a younger sister and I can’t imagine how I would feel if anything happened to her. I know you’re still grieving–it’s never over. So know that you’re in my prayers, Nana and thanks for sharing an important perspective.

    Chris–today is a better day. I do try always to see the brighter side of life but the last few days have been challenging. But Aunt Hazel would have said “Chin up.” And so that’s where mine is.

    Jane–you’re so right. Blogging is a place where we can give a communal moan and get instant support. What an incredible blessing. How did we live without this amazing community of virtual friends. I swear I don’t know!

    Rod–you and I have share some roller coaster moments as we supported each other in challenging times. Know that I appreciate your thoughtful words today and take them very much to heart.

    Stacey–thanks for these warm wishes from my favorite banker. If anyone has the opportunity to bank with Fifth Third, take it. It’s my cheers!

    Allison–caught those hugs and prayers. Thanks for sending and thanks for reminding me of the blessings I still have. But you’re right about getting older. It’s sobering — and beyond.

    To all of you who took the time to comment and give me much-needed support during this difficult week—

    Thanks for being there.

    Karen

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