Mom, Dementia & Me — Sharing Sushi

Posted on 21. Oct, 2008 by Karen in Caregiving, Family and Friends

This evening I went to visit my 89 year old mother who has severe dementia.  I stopped at my favorite Trader Joe’s on the way and picked up a few things including sushi to have for dinner.  When I decided to eat my sushi at my mother’s assisted living home, I offered her some.  And even though she had already had dinner, she said “yes”.  I was shocked because as far as I know, Mom has never eaten sushi before.

You see people with dementia aren’t big on experimentation.  Especially my mother.  She wants the tried and true with no surprises.  Stability and routine are what she thrives on.  So while I was somewhat shocked that she wanted to share my sushi, I was also pleased because it was something new for us to do together.  That doesn’t happen much anymore.

We set the table and I gave Mom a piece of sushi.  She liked it!  Didn’t want more but she actually enjoyed this new taste treat.  Go figure.  We had a nice visit this evening, sharing sushi and talking.  It kind of felt like old times. 

Well, that is until Mom said that she needed to make sure that “Daddy” knows where she is.  These days it’s hard for me to tell if she’s talking about my dad, who died six years ago this week or her own father who died 60 years ago.  I was already feeling a little sad about my dad so this threw me off base a little.  You always think the grief is over at some point but it never is.

But you’d be proud of me.  I took a deep breath — and let it pass.  After all, Mom and I were sharing sushi and – for the moment, in the moment – I let it be just the three of us.

Mom, dementia and me. 

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5 Responses to “Mom, Dementia & Me — Sharing Sushi”

  1. Chris

    22. Oct, 2008

    Cherishing the now is a smart way to live. You are fortunate to have a mom with whom you can spend time, even with a “third wheel” in the room. And your mom is fortunate to have such a kind daughter.

  2. ByJane

    22. Oct, 2008

    I am proud of you….letting things go is the blessing of growing up.

  3. Karen

    22. Oct, 2008

    Chris–you’re right. It is such a blessing to still have my mom here. So many of my midlife friends wish they had that blessing. Thanks for being here.

    Jane–thanks for your feedback. Letting go is growing up. Wish I had known that earlier.

    Karen

  4. Barbara

    24. Oct, 2008

    Karen, This post touched my heart and I can totally relate as I’m going through the same thing with my mother. I’m learning that there are good days and bad days…this was a good day. Your post reminds me that it’s important to be grateful for the time and to just be with her–even when it seems as if she’s miles away from you. Warmly, Barbara

    P.S. My mom always says she hasn’t eaten when i ask her (even though she just did). I know she may not remember, and I also know that she surely enjoys food, but I also believe that she wants to share the experience of eating with me–no matter if she just ate. :)

  5. Karen

    30. Oct, 2008

    Barbara–I love your perspective that your mom’s memory gap might actually be deliberate so she can eat with you. And you’re right, there are good days and you learn to treasure those and pull them out like a favorite bedtime story when the bad days roll around. Thanks so much for you comments.

    Karen

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