Mom, Dementia and Me — Rolling Eyes

Posted on 17. Jul, 2008 by Karen in Alzeimer's & Dementia, Misc

My mother is now 89 and suffering from severe dementia.  She lives in a small assisted living facility where they are very kind to her.  But the wicked impact of her dementia has left my mother with — well, behavior problems that sometimes make her as obstinate and difficult as my four year old niece. 

This evening I was by to visit Mom.  We were sitting at the dining room table eating grapes together as the caregiver gave me a brief update on my mother.  The scene gave me a feeling of deja vu as I remembered the days when my siblings and I would be on the “hot seat” as my mother regaled my dad with our shortcomings while he tried to eat his dinner. 

According to the caregiver, Mom was refusing help on some daily tasks that she really does need assistance with.  So, in an attempt to mediate, I patiently explained to my mother that the caregiver was only trying to help.  Mom sat in her chair slightly turned away from me.  As I talked, I watched a veil of boredom slide over my mother’s face as she ignored me and picked at her nails.  At one point, I asked Mom if she understood what I was talking about.

In response, she slowly glanced in my direction — and rolled her eyes.  It was the same eye-rolling I used to treat her to when I was a teenager and supremely tired of hearing whatever Mom was saying.  I was a good kid but like we all did, I sometimes gave my mother the blues.  And I remember how she’d say:

Just wait until you have children.  Then you’ll appreciate what we have to put up with as your parents.

Neither Mom nor I could have known that the “retribution” she promised for my teen-age defiance wasn’t me becoming a parent but me becoming the parent of my parent.

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10 Responses to “Mom, Dementia and Me — Rolling Eyes”

  1. michelle of bleeding espresso

    18. Jul, 2008

    Just when you think life isn’t ironic, eh?

    My mom is a nursing supervisor and has worked in a nursing home/rehab center for many years; her patience with the guests never ceases to amaze and inspire me. I hope your mother is surrounded by similar understanding and compassion :)

    Btw, I just read your story, and I had to add that I’m an ex-lawyer who has followed my own path too…there seem to be quite a few of us in the blogosphere!

    I’m so glad I clicked over here from the BlogHer ad :)

  2. Karen

    18. Jul, 2008

    Michelle–

    Thanks for stopping by to visit. As your mother shared with you it takes a special person to care for someone with a chronic illness like dementia. And yes we are blessed that my mom is surrounding by people who care and can be there for her 24/7.

    I’m always glad to meet another “recovered” lawyer who saw a different light at the end of the tunnel. From your blog, it looks like you are on a wonderful life path. Love the photos–you have great talent. I’ll be by to visit again and I look forward to seeing you here. Stop by Blogher.com every other Friday where I’m contributing editor on midlife issues.

    I too am glad you found your way to Midlife’s A Trip :-)

    Karen

  3. WomenBloom

    18. Jul, 2008

    Karen,

    You sound so patient. It must be incredibly difficult at times for all concerned. Glad you have a place for her where she is safe and surrounded by caring, compassionate folks.

    Allison

  4. Mary

    19. Jul, 2008

    Hi, Karen. I just read your recent posts. Had to chuckle when I read that you rolled your eyes at the idea of creating a blog. Guess you haven’t outgrown that non-verbal feedback, nor has your mom!

    I wonder if your mom will remember any of the points the caregiver and you were trying to make while sitting at the table with her. I know how frustrating it is to try to rationalize and encourage changes in behavior…..but with Alzheimer’s is she going to remember what you said? I’ve given up on trying to change my mom. I just try to figure out other ways to get her to do what is needed. I’m hoping this patience we’re exhibiting is going to give us a speed pass into heaven some day! (Not for quite some time, though, I hope. Still have lots to learn.)
    Hugs,
    Mary

  5. Celeste

    19. Jul, 2008

    Dear Karen:

    As I have expressed in the past to you, everytime I read about you and your wonderful mother I think of mine (now passed since 2007) and how I interacted with her at the end. Your interaction with your mother is not unlike my interaction with my mother at the end of her life here on earth. I became the parent and she my child. Mother ….GOD BLESS HER…..did exactly what she wanted to do at the end. If she felt like eating a large bag of gum drops ….which she did….she did just that. I ended up eating them with her. But, trust me, I understand totally what you are going through. My mother at the end of her life here on earth suffered with the beginnings of Dementia. She appeared as an unruly child, but you know what Karen? I loved every minute of it. She was the child I never had. Miss the fun we had together…miss my trusted best friend…my MOTHER !

    Hang in there Karen…and God bless you!

    Celeste

  6. Karen

    19. Jul, 2008

    Allison–

    I wonder about the patience. I hope I have as much as my mother did when she was parenting me and my sibs.

    Mary–

    Yeah–that eye-rolling is a family trait. Scary–my 4 year old niece does it too :-) Thanks for reminding me about staying in the moment with my mom. Of course, she won’t remember anything I said about anything that happened in the last 10 years. Duh! There really is a constant learning curve when you have a family member with Alzheimer’s.

    Celeste–

    I love how you transformed the difficulties of your mother’s dementia into special and loving memories. I know a little about that missing your mom feeling. Even though my mother is still physically here — parts of her are already gone. It’s like the shade coming down slowly on a sunny window. You grieve all along the way for the slow exit of the person you love. But I know you know.

    Thanks to all of you for commenting on this post. It helps me so much to get your feedback which in turn helps me on the journey with my mom.

    Karen

  7. Margaret

    22. Jul, 2008

    I loved this one! It happens all the time! The idea of it makes me smile, as I was a big eye roller in my time, my daughter is starting (she is freshly 12) and I catch my mom doing it to my dad……almost directly in front of him….so guess what is coming? Am sure I will get it from both the younger and the older, and probably at the same time!

  8. Karen

    23. Jul, 2008

    Margaret–eye rolling is truly a skill to be cultivated when you’re young and perfected when you’re old. I remember my son in his eye rolling days. I think he started at about age 12 too. Must be a right of pre-teen passage.

    Karen

  9. Judith aka The MA'D Goddess

    25. Jul, 2008

    That’s what I love about midlife; it has such a quirky way of turning the tables on us. My parents remained sharp minded until their passing at age 85 & 87. Lucky me, to have them with me for so long. My best friend shared your experience of visiting mom in nursing home and sitting for the “conference”. I admired her clear-headed thinking and advocacy for her mother. More often than not, she was able to change the care-givers perspective to one of more compassion . . . and sometimes just plain logic.

    One example was being told her mother was uncoperative about showering. My friend first asked for details and when she ferreted out that the nurse assiting her mother was a male, she quietly asked the supervisor if she thought her elderly mother would be too modest to undress in front of a male that she wasn’t married to. To which the supervisor answered that my friend’s mother barely knew who she was, how could that matter.

    My friend answered, “Obviously, it does. Try a female nurse.”

    My friend taught me that it is a privlege to return the love and care our parents gave to us. She was a guardian of her mother’s dignity and comfort until the end. Her advice? Always keep your sense of humor.

  10. Karen

    29. Jul, 2008

    Judith–you make such a good point. Sometimes patience and plain old common sense are the best approach to dealing with dementia patients. And your friend’s advice about humor–I find some days the only way to view my mom’s situation is to just lighten up and find something to laugh–and blog about. It’s my therapy. Thanks for sharing these insights.

    Karen

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