Midlife’s A Trip

Dementia Love Triangle or True Love?

Posted on 14. Nov, 2007 by Karen in Misc

Yesterday brought news of a sad and not so typical love triangle involving former United States Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor.  For 17 years, Justice O’Connor has watched her husband of 55 years decline due to the ravages of Alzheimer’s.  She stepped down from her lifetime seat on the Court to care for her husband who is now in assisted living—and in a relationship with a fellow patient.  Justice O’Connor’s son shared the news of this sad development with the press.  Click here for the story.

This story reminds me of a similar situation in the assisted living facility where my mother lives due to her dementia.  There was an elderly couple who we used to see hugging and holding hands in the hall and sneaking in and out of one another’s rooms.  Staffers reported to me that these two Alzheimer’s patients were caught doing the wild thing next door to my mom.  I remember being mildly outraged–but I just didn’t understand.

Since then I’ve learned a lot about the impact of dementia.  One of my mom’s caregivers described it as like being in a cave.  In the early stages, you’re in the cave but can still come outside.  Later, you’re further and further back in the cave and may only come out occasionally.  In the later stages, you just don’t even venture near the opening–you’re just in all the time.  Reading yesterday’s news, it struck me how lonely it must be for our loved ones stuck in the cave–away from us with no way out.

The most difficult part of loving someone with dementia is that for them you become a whisper of a love forgotten but not gone.  But as noted author Paulo Coelho wrote in The Valkyries "love is looking at the same mountains from different angles." Sounds like Justice O’Connor decided to view her marriage from another angle by honoring her husband’s need for companionship in the cave.  Difficult decision or true love?  What do you think?

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