Mom, Dementia & Me — Sharing Sushi
October 21, 2008
This evening I went to visit my 89 year old mother who has severe dementia. I stopped at my favorite Trader Joe’s on the way and picked up a few things including sushi to have for dinner. When I decided to eat my sushi at my mother’s assisted living home, I offered her some. And even though she had already had dinner, she said “yes”. I was shocked because as far as I know, Mom has never eaten sushi before.
You see people with dementia aren’t big on experimentation. Especially my mother. She wants the tried and true with no surprises. Stability and routine are what she thrives on. So while I was somewhat shocked that she wanted to share my sushi, I was also pleased because it was something new for us to do together. That doesn’t happen much anymore.
We set the table and I gave Mom a piece of sushi. She liked it! Didn’t want more but she actually enjoyed this new taste treat. Go figure. We had a nice visit this evening, sharing sushi and talking. It kind of felt like old times.
Well, that is until Mom said that she needed to make sure that “Daddy” knows where she is. These days it’s hard for me to tell if she’s talking about my dad, who died six years ago this week or her own father who died 60 years ago. I was already feeling a little sad about my dad so this threw me off base a little. You always think the grief is over at some point but it never is.
But you’d be proud of me. I took a deep breath — and let it pass. After all, Mom and I were sharing sushi and – for the moment, in the moment – I let it be just the three of us.
Mom, dementia and me.
Meditation Can Lower Blood Pressure
March 17, 2008
I am the daughter of a woman who did Transcendental Meditation in the early 60’s. TM is what it was called. My brother, sister and I—we just called it weird.
Mom would carve out her meditation time each day and we were warned not to disturb her. While she meditated, there was a lot of eye-rolling going on in the room where we sat whispering about this latest of our mother’s eccentricities. I don’t think we ever understood what meditation did for her.
Now Mom is 88 years old. Although she has severe dementia, she’s in good physical health otherwise. Did her years of doing TM have some positive impact on her health? Who knows but be inspired by this recent article about studies that show meditation can lower blood pressure .
As for me, I’ve become my mother’s daughter. I just meditated before I sat down to write this post. I believe that there are health benefits from meditation and my blood pressure is textbook normal. And in keeping with family tradition—yes my son thinks I weird because I meditate. But he’ll get it one day.
Mom, Dementia and Me — More Moments of Decline
March 16, 2008
I had a sad visit with my mother today at her assisted living facility for dementia patients. When I got there everyone was in a circle the common area for some activity. My mother was in the circle but asleep and looking unkempt. I woke her gently and she started talking about something I couldn’t make sense of. But it seemed like she was embarrassed about being asleep. I told her it was OK, she didn’t have to explain anything to me.
I asked Mom if she was hungry. She said she was and it turned out that she had slept through lunch. I know you’re thinking where are the people who run her facility. But on a Sunday afternoon, the people in charge aren’t there–just the really nice, underpaid and overworked caregivers. So with their help, Mom got her lunch and I sat with her and Mona, another resident who had slept through lunch too.
As Mom and Mona ate their meals, I marveled at these two women who were both well educated, beautiful and poised in their day. Now there was little evidence of their wit and charm as they ate in silence and stayed in their caves. What caves you ask?
I’ve written on this before but I’ll explain it again because it helps me remember what’s going on here. Having dementia, Alzheimer’s or not, is like being in a cave. In the early stages of the disease, someone with dementia can come in and out of the cave at will.
As the disease progresses, a dementia patient sits further and further back in the cave. Sometimes they come to the opening and interact with those of us outside. Then increasingly they stay far back in the cave and don’t come to the opening. Today Mom was pretty far back in the cave.
After lunch, I took Mom to her room to rest. She was asleep within minutes. I puttered around in her room for awhile and then got ready to leave. I leaned down to gently kiss my mother’s forehead. She woke as she felt my kiss and smiled with a loving look. I could tell she had come to the opening of the cave. And then she said “good-bye”.
My heart stuck in my throat because for a minute I had the feeling she was saying goodbye for good. I don’t know where that came from but it shook me. I leaned down again and gave her a big hug and hung onto her as I wish I could do forever.
Mom, Dementia and Me — Moments of Decline
February 19, 2008
I was out visiting my mom in her assisted living facility. After we shared a snack together, we walked around to Mom’s room so she could brush her teeth. Her toothbrush was nowhere to be found even though I checked the usual hiding places where my mother stashes her belongings.
As I was about to give up my search, I noticed the little potted plant my mother somehow manages to keep alive and healthy despite her dementia. Something about the plant looked weird though and as I looked closer, I saw that among the green leaves was Mom’s toothbrush, planted firmly and deliberately in the dirt.
I rescued the toothbrush which luckily had been planted brush side up. As I washed and put it in the medicine chest, I had tears in my eyes because it struck me that this was another small moment of decline. Can’t say I ever get used to it.
What about those of you with loved ones affected by dementia?
Mom, Dementia and Me; Some Days
February 15, 2008
Some days I just don’t have the words. Out of the clear blue, I had the thought that maybe we should take my mother out of the Alzheimer’s assisted living facility and move her in with me. Whoa–where the heck did that come from?!!!
I really care about my mom’s well-being but I’ve never considered having her live with me. We’re both pretty particular about our living space. I like things the way I like them and so does she. And now in her dementia, Mom wakes up every day thinking that she’s moving to a new place and so she packs. I haven’t got a clue about how I could accommodate her daily desire to move out.
And if the truth be told, we’ve had times over the years when we just haven’t gotten along. I’m an extrovert, Mom’s an introvert. Maybe we were too different or maybe we’re actually a lot alike. Or maybe we’re just like a lot of other mothers and daughters whose relationships are better when they live under different roofs.
All this has been going through my mind as I wondered how I stumbled on the idea of Mom moving in with me. What I’ve learned though is that thoughts come into our minds for a reason that may not be clear until much later. So without immediate judgment, I called my sister and told her my idea. We agreed to research the concept and met with a eldercare consultant about how I could take action on my idea at some point.
What has come out over the last week is that while I’m not ready to have Mom move in, we’re ready to have her move out of where she’s currently living. The resulting dialog has been helpful in identifying some alternatives that may better serve my mother in the current stage of her dementia than living with me. A good outcome from a surprising idea.
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Karen - Midlife Coach
