Midlife’s A Trip

Menopause Mommy

Posted on 26. Nov, 2007 by Karen.

My sister is the menopause mommy–52 year old first time mother of a 3 year old.  I used to think she was crazy to want the mom experience at her age but she is a wonderful mother.  Wonderful enough to venture out to Toys R Us on the day after Thanksgiving.  On second thought, maybe she’s a saint.

My niece Maddie spent the night with me so that my sister could get up at 5am to shop.  My sister got to Toys R Us at 5:30 and immediately called to say that the parking lot was jammed already.  Once she got into the store, there were wall to wall shopping carts.  Employees were directing traffic–in the store.

This is really the first year that Maddie has created a list of what she wants for Christmas.  So armed with that feedback, my sister navigated through Toys R Us and found most of what Maddie asked for–but not the child-size $250 remote control princess car that Maddie could drive around.  My sister decided–wisely–that if anyone in the family was going to get a new car to drive, it was going to be her.

As she stood in the checkout line, my sister called to report on her success.  You should have heard the sense of accomplishment in her voice as she told me about getting around Toys R Us without a shopping cart collision.  This coming from a mother who has studiously avoided big box toy store for the past 3 holiday seasons. 

I’m so proud of my sister.  She did the day after Thanksgiving early morning run to Toys R Us, got everything she needed to buy and did it all without a hot flash.  Kudos to a great menopause mommy.  I’m glad it’s not me.

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Give the Gift of Gratitude

Posted on 23. Nov, 2007 by Karen.

The night before Thanksgiving I got a call from my friend Monlen who used to live near but now lives on the East Coast.  She called to tell me how grateful she was for our friendship and how she remembered my similar call to her the same time last year. 

As I talked with my friend, I was struck by the fact that I had started a tradition of calling friends on Thanksgiving and then dropped the ball as I focused on things like cooking the cranberry sauce.  Unimportant things when compared to the wonderful family and friends I hadn’t talked to recently. 

The next morning as I stood by the the stove making my cranberry sauce for Thanksgiving dinner, I reached out and called several dozen friends and relatives. Not only did I stir the sauce but I stirred the big pot of friendships that bring me joy during the good and bad times of my life. 

It seems that in midlife we often connect with our loved ones only during sad times.  But it’s never too late to create a tradition of showing gratitude for friends and family, however few or many. 

So as you head into the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, pick up the phone and tell someone how grateful you are to have them in your life.  This gift of gratitude is one they’ll always remember.

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It Felt Like Midlife Crisis Today

Posted on 02. Nov, 2007 by Karen.

This morning when I turned on my laptop, I had an email from late last night with news that a dear friend died yesterday.  The loss hit me like a ton of bricks.  Margaret was this amazing woman who just had her 89th birthday in October.  I just saw her in the last month or so and she looked wonderful.  Well, maybe a little more frail but I think in my heart I chose to ignore that.

Margaret was my first intergenerational friend.  I’d known her most of my life but it wasn’t until I was 25 years old that we became friends when she helped me out on a research project.  At the time I didn’t know what I was doing and in her gentle way, Margaret shifted me to another path where I ended up having great success.  That’s how she was with her mentoring and friendship–the master of gentle suggestion to do something differently.  We all listened and we all benefited.

As I got to know Margaret as a friend and not just someone my parents knew, I realized how very lucky I was that this kind, smart, charming woman took an interest in my life.  Recently there was a tribute to her and I was asked to speak.  I am so grateful now that I had the opportunity to tell her before she died how blessed I was to have her friendship over the last 30 years. 

So as I sit here and feel the sorrow, I think about how Margaret is in heaven gently shifting me to a path where I can move past the sorrow towards the wonderful memories I have of times we spent together.  One day soon I’ll get there but the loss of my friend makes today feel like a midlife crisis.

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Losing Loved Ones–The Real Midlife Crisis

Posted on 24. Oct, 2007 by Karen.

Today is the 5th anniversary of my dad’s death.  There–I said it.  Death.  Not "passed away" or any of those other ways of saying someone died other than using the dreaded word.  Death.

I miss my father’s smile, his sense of humor, his wisdom and I just plain miss being in his presence and being able to hug him.  I carry him in my heart always but today, especially, I wish he was here. 

Last week, I had a dream about Dad and we were having a conversation about prostate exams.  Don’t ask me where the topic came from because I don’t remember us talking about this.  But can I just say–it was so great to talk with him again.  Even in my dreams. 

I stopped by the cemetery today where Dad’s ashes are interred.  It’s a beautiful area with trees, wildlife and a little stream.  A good place for the tears I needed to get out of me.  The squirrels paused their chattering and acorn gathering to watch this middle-age woman standing alone, wad of Kleenex in hand, crying for the father she still grieves for five years later. 

I guess the blessing is that I don’t cry every day like I did at first.  The glaring brilliance of my grief has softened over the years into a patina on my soul.  It’ll always be there but not in the life blinding way it was after Dad died. 

For those of us in midlife who are blessed to have loved ones still with us, their loss during this period of our lives will be the true crisis of midlife.  Let it also be the valley where we connect, share our grief and comfort one another.  See you there. 

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Dementia–Where the Past Becomes the Present

Posted on 24. Sep, 2007 by Karen.

My mom has had dementia for years.  I remember buying the book The 36 Hour Day in 1987 because I thought then that there was something wrong.  Since that time I have been trying to understand the ins and outs of dementia while there’s been an increasing dialog on how to stay present in the moment.  An exercise in inconsistencies you might say.  Well what I have learned is that for people with dementia, the present moment is the past.  So Mom and I now connect at the crossroads where I’m in the present moment with her past.  It’s been an important lesson about dementia, Mom and me.

Please share your insights on living life around loved ones with dementia.

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