Midlife’s A Trip

Lessons from Moose on Perspective

Posted on 09. Oct, 2008 by Karen.

  Today I got an email from “B”, a friend who has a place out in Wyoming.  She was reporting to a group of friends about her early morning encounter with several moose.  And yes, I had to confirm that the plural of moose is moose. 

Apparently the moose–a family replete with mom (the cow), dad (the bull) and babies (the calves) were hanging out in B’s backyard when she let her dogs out.  One group of 4-leggers didn’t get along with the other.  The cow charged the dogs, one dog ran back to the house and the other stood her ground.  That is until the bull made his presence known. 

B was able to get the dogs into the house leaving behind an enraged cow and a trail of anxiety that followed her into the house.  Now I know it’s pretty rustic out in Wyoming but things happen out there that this city girl can’t even imagine.  Like the stud buffalo who craps on B’s lawn and the 6-12 inches of snow expected this weekend. 

Frankly, what I worry about at my house is that the rabbits will eat my hostas.  That’s the thing about perspective.  Our experiences are never the same so how we view the world around us is never through the same lens.  Learning to accept the differences in our perspectives is a moose-size opportunity for self-growth.

So if you’re used to dealing with moose, can you accept the perspective of someone who thinks munching bunnies are a big deal?

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Swiffing with the Peanut

Posted on 06. Oct, 2008 by Karen.

The topic of this post is deliberately light.  No politics, nothing about the economy, nothing sad or disturbing.  Lately, you’ve noticed I’m sure, I’ve gotten swept up in all that’s happening in the news.  Despite the fact that I censor my news intake, the little bit I’ve let in has spilled over into my blog.  Well not today.

Today is about my 4 year old niece, the “Peanut”.  Peanut is in her ”helping out” phase.  I’m sure this will pass as she gets closer to being a teenager but for now Peanut really wants to help with housework.  I’ll talk to her on the phone and she asks if she can wash my dishes.   Of course, I tell her:

Honey, come right on over!

Last Friday, Peanut came by with her mother – my poor tired-after-a-hard-week-working-and-parenting sister — who immediately collapsed on the couch.  I was making pasta and Peanut wanted to help cook.  Since that was a little dicey with the big pot of boiling water on the stove, I asked if she’d like to do something else to help.  That’s when she asked if she could “swif”. 

Swif is Peanut’s slang for using the Swiffer gizmo to clean the floor.  She’s loved using that thing since she was two.  And I love that she loves using it.  So I loaded the Swiffer with a fresh cloth and steered Peanut in to swif the dining room where I could keep her in sight. 

Well you should have seen Peanut get into her swiffing.  As I watched, she swiffed away, getting into every little corner and covering every inch of the wood floors.  I complimented her highly and stepped back in the kitchen to check the pasta.  When I peeked back in the dining room, the ever-efficient Peanut had finished the floors and was energetically — and proudly– swiffing my glass-top dining room table!! 

I confess for a minute I was speechless – caught between OMG and cracking up at my adorable, industrious niece.  When I found my voice again, I complimented Peanut again on her swiffing and moved her into the living room to fluff couch pillows while I surreptitiously Windexed the dining room table. 

As I look back on Peanut and her cleaning, it’s not lost on me that maybe her swiffing was just what I needed to clear the negative news out of my week.  Because it did just that.

Anything you need to swif out of your life right about now?

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A Day of Positive Vibes

Posted on 30. Sep, 2008 by Karen.

This past Sunday, there was a rally in Detroit for presidential and vice-presidential candidates, Barack Obama and Joe Biden.  I was lucky to get 4 tickets at the 11th hour and turned the outing into a family event with my sister, my cousin who was in town and, of course, my 4 year old niece, the “Peanut”. 

It was a beautiful fall day as we stood in the crowd for more than 2 hours waiting for the candidates to appear with their wives.  But who cares!  The people around us were amazing, the energy was so positive in these chaotic times and when they arrived — Barack and Joe’s remarks had us mesmerized!  But enough said.  You can see for yourself:

 Me with my sister and the Peanut.

 

 

  7 month old Shelby dazzling in pink and her baby bumper sticker.

  Faces of optimism and hope.

  Joe Biden, front and center.

  Barack on moving out of the darkness.

 It’s all about change.

And in the end, whether you plan to vote for Barack and Joe or not — it was a day of positive vibes. 

We all needed that.

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Ivan — One of America’s Finest

Posted on 24. Sep, 2008 by Karen.

Since July I have been hosting Ivan (pronounced “e-van”), a young Obama campaign organizer in my home. At the time I got the call asking if Ivan could stay with me, I remember thinking “It’s the least I can do”. To me, being a campaign “den mother” beats the hell out of being a hockey mom any day of the week.

What I didn’t know is that I would learn so much from this 25-year old who is the ultimate steward of democracy. You see, Ivan was born in Bulgaria and immigrated to the United States with his family when he was just a young teen. Since then, what he’s learned about our government puts most of us to shame. There’s nothing like getting a lesson on what the stars and stripes really mean than from someone who grew up under the red flag of communism.

Ivan is now a U.S. citizen and he lives that status like his life depends on it. And in a manner of speaking it does. Because Ivan knows what it’s like to have a government that doesn’t always recognize the needs and desires of “we the people”. He knows that we have a chance in this presidential election to refocus our country on what’s important to the many instead of the few.

As he goes off each morning to work 16-20 hour days on the Obama campaign, Ivan’s enthusiasm and hope is never affected by poll results and negative news commentary. Why not? Because he believes in an America changed for the better. So Ivan for all you do, this song’s for you:

 

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When the Good Die Young — In Memory of Colin Hubbell

Posted on 22. Aug, 2008 by Karen.

  This morning my cell phone rang as I was getting out of the shower.  I grabbed a towel and run downstairs to grab the call.  Missed it.  Then as I headed back upstairs, my house phone started ringing–more running.  Missed it again.  When my cell phone jangled again I beat the voicemail and got the call.  It was my sister trying to reach me to tell me, before I heard it elsewhere, that my friend Colin Hubbell died last night. 

The best way I can describe Colin is that he was this amazingly good person.  We met through our respective jobs years ago and became friends, in part, because we both believed that Detroit, the city we grew up in and loved was making a comeback.  For years, if there was brainstorming and planning about how the city could revitalize, Colin was part of the mix.  He had a vision and a talent for turning dream into action. 

Some years after we met, I moved into one of the first successful loft developments in Detroit and found Colin already there with his development office in one of the ground floor units.  (That’s our building in this picture).  In good weather or bad, you’d see Colin whiz into the neighborhood on his bike — which he rode miles to and from work in good weather and bad.  He’d disappear into the loft, change and emerge ready to tackle issues standing in the way of creative housing for those who love the excitement of urban living.

But then, Colin was diagnosed with bladder cancer.  Like other challenges in his life, he met this one head on and sought the most aggressive treatment.  The last time I saw him he was waiting to hear if his cancer had recurred.  Although he gave me his broad confident smile, I sensed that Colin already knew what the answer was.

Colin Hubbell, visionary leader, wonderful husband and loving father of four died at age 49.  I don’t know about you but at this point in my midlife that’s just far too young for a good guy to die. 

He will be missed.

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Karen’s Klips — Midlife Women Bloggers Meet Face to Face

Posted on 19. Aug, 2008 by Karen.

Well, this is a landmark day here at Midlife’s A Trip From time to time I feature videos from around the Internet but today I’m posting my first video made right here behind the scenes at my homebase in Michigan! It’s the result of plenty of trial and error, furniture moving and lots of laughter.

Joining me in the video is friend and fellow midlife woman blogger, Allison Allen from the great state of Texas and the awesome Women Bloom.com. Allison and I met through the growing network of midlife women bloggers and have developed a friendship and “mastermind” group. OK, OK — I’m taking my fingers off the keyboard now so you can listen to our story below:

If you could meet one of your favorite bloggers face to face, who would it be?

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Midlife Soulmates

Posted on 03. Aug, 2008 by Karen.

Yesterday was the beginning of a new life for Penny and John.  One widowed and one divorced, Penny and John have defied the odds and found true love in midlife.  I saw it coming.

Penny’s been a family friend for over 30 years.  I remember her giving me tips on Lamaze as I waited for the birth of my son who her daughter later babysat for.  Penny has been a community activist for years always giving back to the city she adopted as her own.  She’s a beautiful person with a generous spirit.

I got to know John much later but now that I look back on it, he and Penny have so much in common.  He’s also devoted his professional career to making the community around him a better place.  His dedication is admired by all who know him.  And his smile lights up the world.

The first time I saw John and Penny together was after we had attended the memorial service last year for a friend who died far too young.  My sister and I went to a little cafe for dinner afterwards and while we were sitting there, I saw Penny and John sitting together.  What I also saw was a glow about them that made me whisper to my sister — “I think they’re in love.”  When I went over to say hello, Penny and John beamed like two teenagers on a first date.  I learned later that, in fact, it was one of their first dates.

Imagine my surprise and delight when Penny called recently to invite me to their wedding which took place yesterday in front of a host of family and friends.  This picture is midlife soulmates Penny and John at their reception where both my sister and I noted how great it is at this point in life to get together for a happy occasion instead of the all too frequent sad ones.  

Are there any other wonderful midlife love stories out there?

 

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New Drug Brings Hope to Alzheimer’s Patients and Those Who Love Them

Posted on 01. Aug, 2008 by Karen.

This week brought good news about the fight against Alzheimer’s, the wickedly devastating cognitive nightmare that afflicts millions of people including my best friend of 50 years. “Susan” has suffered from this disease for at least several years now. If I was really honest with myself, I would admit that I noticed signs probably as long as 5 years ago.

I remember hoping it was Susan’s thyroid or menopause fog or anything but what I feared. But one day I couldn’t ignore the obvious. We were sitting in a little breakfast place we had gone to many times before. As we sat across from one another, Susan smiled at me and said “Isn’t this a great place. I’ve never been here before.” My heart sank.

Since that time, Susan’s doctors have confirmed a diagnosis of early-onset Alzheimer’s. She’s 57 years old. The only good thing about the situation is that Susan is married to a man who loves her dearly and has assumed the role of caregiver with a vengance. He makes their home a comfortable haven for my friend, cares for her and comforts her when she has moments of frustration as thoughts and now words elude her.

A few months ago I went to visit Susan. She kept telling me how glad she was to have her best friend around. At times it was like old times. At times — not. But whichever, I was so glad that we could have this time together. When I returned from my visit with Susan, I got in my car at the airport and started driving home. All of a sudden, I found myself sobbing. I cried all the way home — letting go of all the sadness I didn’t want Susan to see when I was there.

The reason I’m writing about this is because as a society, we tend to think of Alzheimer’s as an affliction of the elderly. We’re not knowledgeable enough about this disease to know that its ugly reach stretches into the ranks of those of us in midlife. You just don’t know what you don’t know until you know.

Because my best friend suffers from Alzheimer’s, I tune in to the latest scientific developments in the fight against Alzheimer’s. This week one of the most promising discoveries to date comes from the United Kingdom where scientists have shown in human trials that a new drug called “rember” has the effect of not only halting the progress of Alzheimer’s but actually reversing the damage already done.

The video below explains this hopeful development better than I can. I just pray that this miracle drug can move to market faster than the projected 4-5 years. Will you pray with me?

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A Place for Mom

Posted on 30. May, 2008 by Karen.

Have you ever had to look for a home for your aging parent?  It’s a job no child wants to tackle.  We’ve always thought of our parents as being “in charge” and then sometime during midlife the tables start to turn.  It may happen all of a sudden or gradually but many of us in the Boomer generation will find ourselves becoming the parent to our parents. 

It’s sobering to acknowledge that your parents are unable to care for themselves.  When it happens adult children either decide to bring our parents home with us or find some assisted living situation.  Whichever option you choose, this is one of the more difficult stops on the midlife trip. 

When my father was alive and declining with congestive heart failure, we found a wonderful caregiver to come in and assist Dad and my mother, who had struggled with dementia for years.  The caregiver, Barbara, was wonderful and we’re convinced that her faithful attention to Dad added another year to his life after he suffered a stroke.

But after Dad died (it’s taken me 5 years to be able to say this word “died”), Barbara moved on and we had yet another caregiver in for Mom.  When my mother suffered one of the mini-strokes that has marked the progression of her dementia, the neurologist told us that we needed to find 24 hour care — ASAP!

I remember making the rounds of assisted living facilities and finding one that looked pleasant and didn’t smell like urine.  But beyond that it’s amazing how much I didn’t and still don’t know about how to select an assisted living facility.

Well, my sister and I have been thinking lately about finding a different assisted living environment for Mom.  This time, though, I didn’t focus just on aesthetics and the “smell test”.  I got smart and contacted A Place for Mom.com to help with the search.  It was a great move in all respects.

After my initial email, I got a call back from Margaret, an eldercare advisor.  She did a lengthy intake on my mother’s needs and our goals for her care.  Less than 2 hours after our conversation, Margaret emailed me a list of group homes for Alzheimer’s victims that I was to tour the next day.  My sister and I had never contemplated a group home.  We thought the choices were a big assisted living community or a nursing home. 

But after hearing me talk about Mom, Margaret knew that she could benefit from a smaller, cozier home environment.  So she sent me on a tour of 4 group homes with information that included:

1. Confirmation of the 4 appointments.
2. Contact information for the owners.
3. Locations and links to online directions.
4. A list of criteria and questions to ask and
5. A chart where I could note my comments about each facility.

Long story short, the first place was the best.  After a second visit with my sister, we both liked the facility and the owners so much that we made our decision quickly and will settle Mom into her new digs this weekend.   

If you’re at the fork in the road on how to find the best care for your aging parents, A Place for Mom can streamline your search and decision-making process and just plain take the sting out of what is a tough situation.  Whether you want to care for your parent at home or find an outside facility like we did, A Place for Mom can help you too.  

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Choices

Posted on 23. May, 2008 by Karen.

Several weeks ago on a great sunny Saturday afternoon, I went to the zoo with my sister and 4 year old niece, “the Peanut”. The plan was to let the Peanut hang out at the play-scape for a while and then see the animals. Nice and simple. Not.

The Peanut didn’t want to leave the play-scape and went into full drama queen mode. You haven’t seen crying until you see her in action. Tears began to flow, wailing escalated and her arms hung at her sides in the most pitiful dejected fashion. According to the Peanut at that moment she not only didn’t want to see the animals — she hated the animals. You could almost feel sorry for her if it wasn’t for the fact that it was a complete crock.

Now mind you, I love my niece dearly but as someone on the back end of parenting (my son is 32) I know an act when I see it. So I stood by for a few minutes while my sister cajoled, explained and did her best to calm the Peanut down and move her towards the animals. But when it became clear that my sister’s tactics weren’t working, I stepped in.

I invited the Peanut into “my office” — a space next to a picnic table and away from her mom. The Peanut continued to cry. I reached in my purse and pulled out a Kleenex which I held out to her without saying anything. Her sobbing slowed down but I could tell I had her attention. Then I said:

Peanut, you can take this Kleenex, wipe your face and come with your mom and me to see the animals. Or if you don’t want the Kleenex, we’re going to the car right now and leaving. It’s your choice.

The Peanut didn’t hesitate. She reached out, took the tissue, wiped her face and within minutes we were headed off to see the hippo, which wasn’t the biggest attraction for me that day. What was really amazing was how the Peanut, when faced with two clear choices, set aside the drama and made a decision that gave her the best outcome.

Watching the Peanut in action reminded me how far I’ve come. I used to agonize over life choices and hang out at the proverbial fork in the road. But now I move pretty quickly past the drama and get to the best choice. I think it has something to do with a turn I took on my midlife trip — and maybe having the Peanut as my role model.

How well do you handle choices at this point in life?

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Thoughts on the Big 5-0

Posted on 21. May, 2008 by Karen.

I’ve been thinking about birthdays lately, in part because mine is coming up in a couple of weeks. And no, I’m not turning 50 — been there, done that. But I have a number of friends who are facing that mega birthday of midlife.

One of them is my longtime friend Marva who I met almost 15 years ago when we were both lobbyists in corporate America. Recently we were talking about the paths our lives have taken and Marva brought up that her 50th birthday is this year. Here are her thoughts on that milestone:

So, how does it feel to turn a half century old? Excited, yes — that’s the only way to be. What’s the alternative? Depressed? That feeling won’t serve me well.

For my 40th birthday, I game myself the gift of exploration. I took a leave of absence from my job and went back to school for a year. During that one-year hiatus, I hired a life coach who taught me to think with my heart instead of my head.

After graduation, I developed the courage to sever the umbilical cord — leaving the company where I had worked for more than 20 years. I moved to Washington, D.C. and started my consulting and coaching business. It was a transition that seemed to make sense as I was faced with a new decade (my 40’s) of action and possibility.

Now with wisdom, grace and wonderment, I approach my 50th birthday. What gift will I give myself for this decade? I am excited about all that is associated with the ripeness of this age. I’m excited about exercising the wisdom and fearless vision of my fifties.

For me, 50 is the age of legacy-making. The gift I plan to give myself is more of myself — developing a lasting legacy for my family, my nephew (who I adore), my community and the world.

My motto for this year (and probably beyond) is ‘if not now, when?‘ That means taking care of myself, eating more chocolate, taking bigger risks, enlarging my focus, sharing more, mentoring more, finishing more and simply taking more time to just BE.

So for those of you, like Marva, who are approaching the big 5-0, what gift will you give yourself to celebrate this significant decade of midlife? If you’re already past 50, what gift would you give to a friend who’s reaching this milestone?

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Let’s Get Together Soon

Posted on 09. May, 2008 by Karen.

“Let’s get together soon.” I can’t even remember how many times I’ve said this to family and friends with all good intentions of actually getting together. And then we don’t. Has this ever happened to you?

This week some of those vague promises of “getting together” have turned into wonderful reality. For instance, I spent several days visiting with my cousin who came in from Bermuda and stayed with me. He’s my age and we spent some great time together talking about the trials and tribulations of our respective journeys through midlife. We talked, laughed and gave each other lots of cousin-ly advice. After all the times we promised to get together soon, we finally did.

And today, I had lunch with a new friend, someone I’ve known for years and have gotten to know better over the past year. She’s about to make the major midlife transition of retiring. We talked about the things she wants to do in this next phase of midlife and we compared our lists of 100 things about each other. It was surreal how many things we have in common–both eldest children, same personality type and myriad of other things. We have been promising to get together soon. And what fun we had when we did.

Tomorrow I have to attend a family funeral. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been to funerals where I say to family and friends that we should get together on happy occasions not just the sad ones. And we all stand around and agree that we will “get together soon”. And then we don’t.

We used to depend on the our older generation of parents, aunts and uncles to make the fun family gatherings happen. With many of them now gone, it’s up to the midlife cousins to arrange the happy times together. So I commit here in this post to help plan a picnic this summer where several generations of cousins can come together for an event that’s not shrouded in grief. It doesn’t have to be fancy and complicated. Our family picnics never were. It just has to be an opportunity for us to get together soon.

And this time I believe we will.

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