Midlife’s A Trip

Stuff For Sale

Posted on 18. May, 2009 by Karen.

This past weekend was my neighborhood-wide garage sale.  Motivated by the camaraderie and the need to clear some space in my little bungalow, I set up shop with my sister, MenoMom and my niece, the Peanut.

We put together all our collective junk, um I mean treasures. Then we labeled each with a bright pink sticker and anybody’s best guess on the value that someone would pay for what we didn’t want anymore.

Our family garage sale rule is that “what goes out of the house for sale, doesn’t come back in”. So for 2 days, MenoMom and I sat and sold.  The Peanut served very capably as a quasi-Walmart greeter as people came and went.

By day 2 of the sale, MenoMom and I were really gung-ho about getting rid of everything.  So we gave away toys to little kids who came through (this strategy was particularly tough on the Peanut who wasn’t as committed to getting rid of her stuff). And we gave away books:

Buy one thing – take some books free.

Overall we did pretty well. By 3:30 on Sunday afternoon, not much was left.  We boxed the last few things up and made it over to the Salvation Army to make a donation before they closed. My tally after the garage sale was about $100.

But as I think back, it really wasn’t about the money.  It was about being outside in the fresh air, hanging out with family, laughing with neighbors and making life a little less cluttered – a little simpler.

What can you do to simplify, simplify?

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Life Lessons From An Old Dog

Posted on 11. Feb, 2009 by Karen.

Meet Stump, a 10-year old dog which is about 70 canine years.  But not just any old dog because this exceptionally persuasive Sussex spaniel got the judges at the prestigious Westminster Kennel Club Show to pick him as the winner over all the young pups prancing around the ring.  And he’s the first in his breed ever to win the Westminster.  Stump is now “top dog” worldwide.  You go Stump!

Stump had been in retirement before the show and almost died a few years back from some mysterious illness.  But with more spunk left than anyone, including his owner, could have imagined, Stump showed the world that he could still strut his stuff.  Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?

Or better yet, who defines what old is?  Think there’s a lesson here.  Even a dog can figure out that you’re only as old as you think you are.  So think young.

Thanks Stumps for the great life lesson and congratulations!!

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Taking an Oath with President Obama

Posted on 20. Jan, 2009 by Karen.

In a few hours Barack Obama will be sworn in as the 44th President of the United States of America.  This all takes me back to that day over 4 years ago when I was sitting in my living room watching the Democratic Convention.  I confess that I really had tuned in to watch the Jennifer Granholm, the governor of my state of Michigan who was scheduled to speak.

Before she came on, this Black man stepped to the podium and introduced himself.  I remember thinking “Barack who?” But I confess that there was something about him that in retrospect I can honestly say that he had me at “hello”.  By the end of his speech I was standing in my living room by myself — cheering like crazy.  That was the day I became an Obama supporter even though he had yet to announce his candidacy.  I went to work the next day and told everyone I had just seen the next president of the United States.  Everyone thought I was crazy.

Well as Grandma used to say “crazy like a fox”.  So today I’m thrilled to watch him take the oath of office that makes him the leader of our country and bearer of hope and change.  This is also an incredible burden.  Millions of us expect so much from him.  So President Obama, I’m taking an oath too:

I, Karen Batchelor, citizen of the United States of America and one of “we the People” hereby promise:

• Not to expect miracles as you sort through the challenges you face.
  
• To be patient.
• To be as good as citizen as I expect you to be President.
• Not to armchair quarterback every little decision you make knowing there are many steps required to put our country back together again.
• To steel myself against some tough days ahead.
• To keep as informed as I can about your strategy to bring about change and
  
• To hold onto hope and faith.
  

And this I swear.

Congratulations and God bless you President Obama!

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The One Vote Barack Obama Won’t Get

Posted on 03. Nov, 2008 by Karen.

I’m here to report that there’s one vote Barack Obama won’t get in this historic presidential election — my 89 year old mother’s.  But don’t get excited John McCain.  This isn’t a vote for you.  You see, Mom’s not voting for Senator Obama simply because she can no longer understand what the voting process is all about.  The dementia she has suffered from for years has robbed her of the ability to make an informed decision in this election.  Mom would be devastated if she knew.

But she doesn’t.  I had a conversation with her this past weekend to see if there was any hope of her being able to exercise her voting rights.  When I asked her if she knew who was running for president — she didn’t.  When I explained about the candidates, as objectively as possible, and asked Mom if she had an opinion on who she’d vote for — she didn’t.  And when I asked her if she wanted me to get more information for her — she didn’t.  At that point, I watched her retreat into the cave of her dementia; that place where she doesn’t have to face the fact that she can no longer make important decisions like the one that will be made tomorrow. 

If she were able, I know in my heart that my mother would be honored to have the opportunity to vote for Senator Obama.  There are many other seniors like my mother who are unable to vote for him tomorrow, though, for reasons beyond their control.  Let’s not forget them.  We stand on their shoulders — their efforts through the years form the foundation for the choices we have this Election Day.

So in honor of the choice Mom would make if she could, I’m dedicating my service as a legal monitor at the polls tomorrow to her.  If there’s an senior in your life whose mental and physical disabilities keep them from voting –

What can you do to honor them on Election Day?

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Mom, Dementia & Me — Sharing Sushi

Posted on 21. Oct, 2008 by Karen.

This evening I went to visit my 89 year old mother who has severe dementia.  I stopped at my favorite Trader Joe’s on the way and picked up a few things including sushi to have for dinner.  When I decided to eat my sushi at my mother’s assisted living home, I offered her some.  And even though she had already had dinner, she said “yes”.  I was shocked because as far as I know, Mom has never eaten sushi before.

You see people with dementia aren’t big on experimentation.  Especially my mother.  She wants the tried and true with no surprises.  Stability and routine are what she thrives on.  So while I was somewhat shocked that she wanted to share my sushi, I was also pleased because it was something new for us to do together.  That doesn’t happen much anymore.

We set the table and I gave Mom a piece of sushi.  She liked it!  Didn’t want more but she actually enjoyed this new taste treat.  Go figure.  We had a nice visit this evening, sharing sushi and talking.  It kind of felt like old times. 

Well, that is until Mom said that she needed to make sure that “Daddy” knows where she is.  These days it’s hard for me to tell if she’s talking about my dad, who died six years ago this week or her own father who died 60 years ago.  I was already feeling a little sad about my dad so this threw me off base a little.  You always think the grief is over at some point but it never is.

But you’d be proud of me.  I took a deep breath — and let it pass.  After all, Mom and I were sharing sushi and – for the moment, in the moment – I let it be just the three of us.

Mom, dementia and me. 

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Podcast with Author and Alzheimer’s Caregiver Mary Ellen Geist

Posted on 20. Oct, 2008 by Karen.

I’ve graduated from just blogging (well it’s never really “just”, is it) to my first podcast interview with author Mary Ellen Geist who left her successful career to come home to Michigan to take a new job as caregiver to her father, Woody who is a victim of Alzheimer’s.  Talking with Mary Ellen was like connecting with a soul sister.  We both have parents with dementia, both are from Michigan and both are in midlife. 

Hearing about Mary Ellen’s midlife transition — can we ever really call these things a crisis — was amazing especially since she decided to share her experience in her new book Measures of the Heart – A Father’s Alzheimer’s, A Daugher’s Return.  It a wonderful story that had me smiling in some chapters and crying in others.  I hope you’ll add this to your book list for a long winter’s night (at least here in Michigan). 

Do you have a special story to share about care-giving?

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A Daughter’s Midlife Transition from News Anchor to Caregiver

Posted on 15. Sep, 2008 by Karen.

Two weeks I had the great opportunity to talk with author Mary Ellen Geist.  Hers is an touching story of midlife transition and caregiving.  Several years ago Mary Ellen was described by the New York Times as the:

“Archetypal career woman, a radio news anchor with a six-figure salary and a suitcase always packed for the next adventure, whether a third-world coup, a weekend of wine tasting or a job in a bigger market.”

But as she saw the growing toll that her father’s decline from Alzheimer’s was taking on both of her parents, Mary Ellen climbed down from a great spot on the ladder of success and headed back home to Michigan to become a family caregiver.  And during the last several years as she cared for her father, Woody, she also found time to write about how to live with the sorrow of losing a loved one bit by bit to Alzheimer’s.  Mary Ellen’s struggle to salvage precious time with her dad is now the subject of her wonderful new book Measure of the Heart:  A Father’s Alzheimer’s, A Daughter’s Return.

I bought the book and confess that it’s already dog-eared and tear-stained because Mary Ellen’s story hit me up close and personal.  You see, my 89-year old mother has had dementia for 20 years.  The neurologists can’t seem to agree on an exact diagnosis but Mom’s memory and cognitive abilities have severely declined to the point where she now needs round-the-clock care in a secured assisted living setting.  That means a locked facility where she can’t wander away. 

What’s so sad is that I often forget what Mom was like before she went into her “cave” which is how I rationalize her disease to myself.  When she first started to experience symptoms, it’s like she went into a cave where no one else can enter.  In the early stages, she ventured outside the cave, interacted with people and the environment until some call we can’t hear beckoned her back inside. 

As the dementia progresses, people like Mom and Mary Ellen’s dad find themselves further and further inside the cave.  It takes increasingly more effort to approach the opening let alone step outside into the world where others wait – with hope — to see a glimpse of the way they once were.  And then one day, they don’t even see the opening and the cave becomes – well, everything and nothing.  That’s where my mother is now.

So what are the chances that Alzheimer’s will hit close to your family.  Brenda Avadian of the Caregiver’s Voice, a resource site and a blog for caregivers gives the grim statistics:

During the past decade, we’ve witnessed a 25% increase in Alzheimer’s. Today, reports estimate that 5,000,000 Americans live with this disease, up from 4,000,000 a decade earlier. Projecting these numbers forward, we’re looking at 6,250,000 Americans being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s by 2017 … unless there’s a cure.

As a member of the Baby Boom generation, I cannot imagine a more active group of people being stricken with this disease. Yet, this figure will reach epidemic proportions. Each of us will be affected–as a caregiver, as a family member, or even, as one who receives the diagnosis.  My best friend who is my age is suffering from the early-onset type of Alzheimer’s.  She was diagnosed at 55.

As the need for caregivers increases, family members like Mary Ellen will continue to make huge compromises in their personal lives and finances to provide the care needed for loved ones with Alzheimer’s and other diseases of aging.  According to AARP, this economic impact of family caregiving reached $350 billion in 2006. 

Mary Ellen has a lot to share on this issue and more in both her book and the upcoming podcast interview she’s agreed to do with yours truly.  When we do the interview, I’ll post a link here so you can hear about Mary Ellen’s midlife transition from corporate to caregiving in her own words.

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New Drug Brings Hope to Alzheimer’s Patients and Those Who Love Them

Posted on 01. Aug, 2008 by Karen.

This week brought good news about the fight against Alzheimer’s, the wickedly devastating cognitive nightmare that afflicts millions of people including my best friend of 50 years. “Susan” has suffered from this disease for at least several years now. If I was really honest with myself, I would admit that I noticed signs probably as long as 5 years ago.

I remember hoping it was Susan’s thyroid or menopause fog or anything but what I feared. But one day I couldn’t ignore the obvious. We were sitting in a little breakfast place we had gone to many times before. As we sat across from one another, Susan smiled at me and said “Isn’t this a great place. I’ve never been here before.” My heart sank.

Since that time, Susan’s doctors have confirmed a diagnosis of early-onset Alzheimer’s. She’s 57 years old. The only good thing about the situation is that Susan is married to a man who loves her dearly and has assumed the role of caregiver with a vengance. He makes their home a comfortable haven for my friend, cares for her and comforts her when she has moments of frustration as thoughts and now words elude her.

A few months ago I went to visit Susan. She kept telling me how glad she was to have her best friend around. At times it was like old times. At times — not. But whichever, I was so glad that we could have this time together. When I returned from my visit with Susan, I got in my car at the airport and started driving home. All of a sudden, I found myself sobbing. I cried all the way home — letting go of all the sadness I didn’t want Susan to see when I was there.

The reason I’m writing about this is because as a society, we tend to think of Alzheimer’s as an affliction of the elderly. We’re not knowledgeable enough about this disease to know that its ugly reach stretches into the ranks of those of us in midlife. You just don’t know what you don’t know until you know.

Because my best friend suffers from Alzheimer’s, I tune in to the latest scientific developments in the fight against Alzheimer’s. This week one of the most promising discoveries to date comes from the United Kingdom where scientists have shown in human trials that a new drug called “rember” has the effect of not only halting the progress of Alzheimer’s but actually reversing the damage already done.

The video below explains this hopeful development better than I can. I just pray that this miracle drug can move to market faster than the projected 4-5 years. Will you pray with me?

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A Place for Mom

Posted on 30. May, 2008 by Karen.

Have you ever had to look for a home for your aging parent?  It’s a job no child wants to tackle.  We’ve always thought of our parents as being “in charge” and then sometime during midlife the tables start to turn.  It may happen all of a sudden or gradually but many of us in the Boomer generation will find ourselves becoming the parent to our parents. 

It’s sobering to acknowledge that your parents are unable to care for themselves.  When it happens adult children either decide to bring our parents home with us or find some assisted living situation.  Whichever option you choose, this is one of the more difficult stops on the midlife trip. 

When my father was alive and declining with congestive heart failure, we found a wonderful caregiver to come in and assist Dad and my mother, who had struggled with dementia for years.  The caregiver, Barbara, was wonderful and we’re convinced that her faithful attention to Dad added another year to his life after he suffered a stroke.

But after Dad died (it’s taken me 5 years to be able to say this word “died”), Barbara moved on and we had yet another caregiver in for Mom.  When my mother suffered one of the mini-strokes that has marked the progression of her dementia, the neurologist told us that we needed to find 24 hour care — ASAP!

I remember making the rounds of assisted living facilities and finding one that looked pleasant and didn’t smell like urine.  But beyond that it’s amazing how much I didn’t and still don’t know about how to select an assisted living facility.

Well, my sister and I have been thinking lately about finding a different assisted living environment for Mom.  This time, though, I didn’t focus just on aesthetics and the “smell test”.  I got smart and contacted A Place for Mom.com to help with the search.  It was a great move in all respects.

After my initial email, I got a call back from Margaret, an eldercare advisor.  She did a lengthy intake on my mother’s needs and our goals for her care.  Less than 2 hours after our conversation, Margaret emailed me a list of group homes for Alzheimer’s victims that I was to tour the next day.  My sister and I had never contemplated a group home.  We thought the choices were a big assisted living community or a nursing home. 

But after hearing me talk about Mom, Margaret knew that she could benefit from a smaller, cozier home environment.  So she sent me on a tour of 4 group homes with information that included:

1. Confirmation of the 4 appointments.
2. Contact information for the owners.
3. Locations and links to online directions.
4. A list of criteria and questions to ask and
5. A chart where I could note my comments about each facility.

Long story short, the first place was the best.  After a second visit with my sister, we both liked the facility and the owners so much that we made our decision quickly and will settle Mom into her new digs this weekend.   

If you’re at the fork in the road on how to find the best care for your aging parents, A Place for Mom can streamline your search and decision-making process and just plain take the sting out of what is a tough situation.  Whether you want to care for your parent at home or find an outside facility like we did, A Place for Mom can help you too.  

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Presto! How to Email a Non-Techie

Posted on 30. Apr, 2008 by Karen.

How many of you have parents or grandparents who just don’t, won’t or can’t learn the computer technology needed to connect them to email? Well HP, the tech giant has solved the problem with creation of the HP Printing Mailbox. It works with a service called Presto and allows you to send email, documents and photos from your camera and cellphone to a loved one who doesn’t do email.

Whatever you send comes out of the HP Mailbox at a scheduled time in a single sheet ready for the recipient to pick-up and read. Here’s a recent testimonial:

It is a remarkable product that lets anyone receive email and attached photos, or PDF documents without the hassle and expense of a computer or Internet connection. It’s easy to set up and simple to use. All you need is an existing phone line and electrical outlet. Now our whole family can send Mom email and photos that are transformed into beautiful, full-color printouts. Messages are printed automatically, so all she has to do is pick them up off of the Printing Mailbox, read and enjoy!

It sounds so user-friendly I almost want one myself. You can even subscribe to a variety of magazine articles at no extra charge that will be delivered at the specified time you program into the mailbox. And there’s not a lot of maintenance involved beyond the periodic ink cartridge and paper.

This could be a great gift for seniors or anyone else who’s a non-techie that you want to stay in touch with. The mailbox itself is around $150 and the Presto service about $10/month. Although this isn’t cheap, it’s a thoughtful gift from a tech-savvy family to a loved one. And consider that as Mother’s and Father’s Days roll around, this might be the gift the whole family can chip in on to bring a smile every day to the non-techie they love.

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What You Don’t Know About Alzheimer’s Disease

Posted on 08. Apr, 2008 by Karen.

For years what I knew about Alzheimer’s could fit on the head of a pin.  I didn’t really understand how this disease ravages a brain.  I even remember joking about Alzheimer’s and using the phrase “a little touch of Al” to describe a moment of forgetfulness.  But now with a mother and best friend afflicted with this dreadful degenerative disease, there’s little room to be flip and uninformed.   

I found that you don’t know what you don’t know about Alzheimer’s until you know.  The New York Times article on the symptoms, diagnosis and treatment of Alzheimer’s Disease is one of the best resources I’ve seen recently that can provide a baseline of knowledge about the disease.  Please read this article if you know someone afflicted with Alzheimer’s — or even if you don’t.  You may learn something that will help someone down the road.  And because the incidence of Alzheimer’s will continue to increase as we 78 million Baby Boomers age, that someone just might be you.   

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What Happens When Something Happens to a Caregiver?

Posted on 08. Apr, 2008 by Karen.

My coaching colleague, Mary provides homecare for her elderly mother who has Alzheimer’s.  Mary is a wealth of information on the caregiver experience and recently let me know about a special kind of jewelry for caregivers. 

The caregiver’s ID bracelet is to be worn by those who provide caregiving in case anything happens to them.  If you know any caregivers, pass this along or better yet, send them the bracelet as a way to say “I’m thinking of you and all you do”. 

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Caregiving — The Impact on Midlife Women

Posted on 02. Apr, 2008 by Karen.

Yes I’m back on the issue of caregiving.  Not only will caregiving  impact most of us at some point in our lives, but the impact on women in midlife will be significant.  Consider the following statistic from the National Family Caregivers Association (although I saw this in other resources):

The typical caregiver is a 46 year old woman caring for her widowed mother who does not live with her.  She is married and employed.  Approximately 60% of family caregivers are women. (emphasis added)

That’s just the current statistics.  The impact of caregiving on women will only get worse as the larger group of “pre-seniors”, ages 55-65, move into their later years.  I’m not the expert on caregiving but I have felt the impact that started in my late 40’s as my sister and I – now in our 50’s – have grappled with the care of my dad before he died of congestive heart failure and now the care of my mother who has severe dementia. 

And just this weekend, I had a conversation with my 33 year-old daughter-in-law, Kim who has spent much of her life as part-time caregiver to her disabled mother.  Despite her long experience with caregiving, Kim didn’t hesitate to assure me that she and my son will care for me if I ever need it.  I was touched by her offer but also mindful that she might end up a statistic — that woman in midlife who is a family caregiver. 

Ready to learn a little more from others on this issue?  Well, you can start by watching the PBS special tonight at 9pm EST on caregiving for your parents .  And then watch my blogroll as I list more resources for you on this almost inevitable stop on the midlife trip.

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