The One Vote Barack Obama Won’t Get
November 3, 2008
I’m here to report that there’s one vote Barack Obama won’t get in this historic presidential election — my 89 year old mother’s. But don’t get excited John McCain. This isn’t a vote for you. You see, Mom’s not voting for Senator Obama simply because she can no longer understand what the voting process is all about. The dementia she has suffered from for years has robbed her of the ability to make an informed decision in this election. Mom would be devastated if she knew.
But she doesn’t. I had a conversation with her this past weekend to see if there was any hope of her being able to exercise her voting rights. When I asked her if she knew who was running for president — she didn’t. When I explained about the candidates, as objectively as possible, and asked Mom if she had an opinion on who she’d vote for — she didn’t. And when I asked her if she wanted me to get more information for her — she didn’t. At that point, I watched her retreat into the cave of her dementia; that place where she doesn’t have to face the fact that she can no longer make important decisions like the one that will be made tomorrow.
If she were able, I know in my heart that my mother would be honored to have the opportunity to vote for Senator Obama. There are many other seniors like my mother who are unable to vote for him tomorrow, though, for reasons beyond their control. Let’s not forget them. We stand on their shoulders — their efforts through the years form the foundation for the choices we have this Election Day.
So in honor of the choice Mom would make if she could, I’m dedicating my service as a legal monitor at the polls tomorrow to her. If there’s an senior in your life whose mental and physical disabilities keep them from voting –
What can you do to honor them on Election Day?
Mom, Dementia & Me — Sharing Sushi
October 21, 2008
This evening I went to visit my 89 year old mother who has severe dementia. I stopped at my favorite Trader Joe’s on the way and picked up a few things including sushi to have for dinner. When I decided to eat my sushi at my mother’s assisted living home, I offered her some. And even though she had already had dinner, she said “yes”. I was shocked because as far as I know, Mom has never eaten sushi before.
You see people with dementia aren’t big on experimentation. Especially my mother. She wants the tried and true with no surprises. Stability and routine are what she thrives on. So while I was somewhat shocked that she wanted to share my sushi, I was also pleased because it was something new for us to do together. That doesn’t happen much anymore.
We set the table and I gave Mom a piece of sushi. She liked it! Didn’t want more but she actually enjoyed this new taste treat. Go figure. We had a nice visit this evening, sharing sushi and talking. It kind of felt like old times.
Well, that is until Mom said that she needed to make sure that “Daddy” knows where she is. These days it’s hard for me to tell if she’s talking about my dad, who died six years ago this week or her own father who died 60 years ago. I was already feeling a little sad about my dad so this threw me off base a little. You always think the grief is over at some point but it never is.
But you’d be proud of me. I took a deep breath — and let it pass. After all, Mom and I were sharing sushi and – for the moment, in the moment – I let it be just the three of us.
Mom, dementia and me.
Podcast with Author and Alzheimer’s Caregiver Mary Ellen Geist
October 20, 2008
I’ve graduated from just blogging (well it’s never really “just”, is it) to my first podcast interview with author Mary Ellen Geist who left her successful career to come home to Michigan to take a new job as caregiver to her father, Woody who is a victim of Alzheimer’s. Talking with Mary Ellen was like connecting with a soul sister. We both have parents with dementia, both are from Michigan and both are in midlife.
Hearing about Mary Ellen’s midlife transition — can we ever really call these things a crisis — was amazing especially since she decided to share her experience in her new book Measures of the Heart - A Father’s Alzheimer’s, A Daugher’s Return. It a wonderful story that had me smiling in some chapters and crying in others. I hope you’ll add this to your book list for a long winter’s night (at least here in Michigan).
Do you have a special story to share about care-giving?
A Daughter’s Midlife Transition from News Anchor to Caregiver
September 15, 2008
Two weeks I had the great opportunity to talk with author Mary Ellen Geist. Hers is an touching story of midlife transition and caregiving. Several years ago Mary Ellen was described by the New York Times as the:
“Archetypal career woman, a radio news anchor with a six-figure salary and a suitcase always packed for the next adventure, whether a third-world coup, a weekend of wine tasting or a job in a bigger market.”
But as she saw the growing toll that her father’s decline from Alzheimer’s was taking on both of her parents, Mary Ellen climbed down from a great spot on the ladder of success and headed back home to Michigan to become a family caregiver. And during the last several years as she cared for her father, Woody, she also found time to write about how to live with the sorrow of losing a loved one bit by bit to Alzheimer’s. Mary Ellen’s struggle to salvage precious time with her dad is now the subject of her wonderful new book Measure of the Heart: A Father’s Alzheimer’s, A Daughter’s Return.
I bought the book and confess that it’s already dog-eared and tear-stained because Mary Ellen’s story hit me up close and personal. You see, my 89-year old mother has had dementia for 20 years. The neurologists can’t seem to agree on an exact diagnosis but Mom’s memory and cognitive abilities have severely declined to the point where she now needs round-the-clock care in a secured assisted living setting. That means a locked facility where she can’t wander away.
What’s so sad is that I often forget what Mom was like before she went into her “cave” which is how I rationalize her disease to myself. When she first started to experience symptoms, it’s like she went into a cave where no one else can enter. In the early stages, she ventured outside the cave, interacted with people and the environment until some call we can’t hear beckoned her back inside.
As the dementia progresses, people like Mom and Mary Ellen’s dad find themselves further and further inside the cave. It takes increasingly more effort to approach the opening let alone step outside into the world where others wait - with hope — to see a glimpse of the way they once were. And then one day, they don’t even see the opening and the cave becomes - well, everything and nothing. That’s where my mother is now.
So what are the chances that Alzheimer’s will hit close to your family. Brenda Avadian of the Caregiver’s Voice, a resource site and a blog for caregivers gives the grim statistics:
During the past decade, we’ve witnessed a 25% increase in Alzheimer’s. Today, reports estimate that 5,000,000 Americans live with this disease, up from 4,000,000 a decade earlier. Projecting these numbers forward, we’re looking at 6,250,000 Americans being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s by 2017 … unless there’s a cure.
As a member of the Baby Boom generation, I cannot imagine a more active group of people being stricken with this disease. Yet, this figure will reach epidemic proportions. Each of us will be affected–as a caregiver, as a family member, or even, as one who receives the diagnosis. My best friend who is my age is suffering from the early-onset type of Alzheimer’s. She was diagnosed at 55.
As the need for caregivers increases, family members like Mary Ellen will continue to make huge compromises in their personal lives and finances to provide the care needed for loved ones with Alzheimer’s and other diseases of aging. According to AARP, this economic impact of family caregiving reached $350 billion in 2006.
Mary Ellen has a lot to share on this issue and more in both her book and the upcoming podcast interview she’s agreed to do with yours truly. When we do the interview, I’ll post a link here so you can hear about Mary Ellen’s midlife transition from corporate to caregiving in her own words.
New Drug Brings Hope to Alzheimer’s Patients and Those Who Love Them
August 1, 2008
This week brought good news about the fight against Alzheimer’s, the wickedly devastating cognitive nightmare that afflicts millions of people including my best friend of 50 years. “Susan” has suffered from this disease for at least several years now. If I was really honest with myself, I would admit that I noticed signs probably as long as 5 years ago.
I remember hoping it was Susan’s thyroid or menopause fog or anything but what I feared. But one day I couldn’t ignore the obvious. We were sitting in a little breakfast place we had gone to many times before. As we sat across from one another, Susan smiled at me and said “Isn’t this a great place. I’ve never been here before.” My heart sank.
Since that time, Susan’s doctors have confirmed a diagnosis of early-onset Alzheimer’s. She’s 57 years old. The only good thing about the situation is that Susan is married to a man who loves her dearly and has assumed the role of caregiver with a vengance. He makes their home a comfortable haven for my friend, cares for her and comforts her when she has moments of frustration as thoughts and now words elude her.
A few months ago I went to visit Susan. She kept telling me how glad she was to have her best friend around. At times it was like old times. At times — not. But whichever, I was so glad that we could have this time together. When I returned from my visit with Susan, I got in my car at the airport and started driving home. All of a sudden, I found myself sobbing. I cried all the way home — letting go of all the sadness I didn’t want Susan to see when I was there.
The reason I’m writing about this is because as a society, we tend to think of Alzheimer’s as an affliction of the elderly. We’re not knowledgeable enough about this disease to know that its ugly reach stretches into the ranks of those of us in midlife. You just don’t know what you don’t know until you know.
Because my best friend suffers from Alzheimer’s, I tune in to the latest scientific developments in the fight against Alzheimer’s. This week one of the most promising discoveries to date comes from the United Kingdom where scientists have shown in human trials that a new drug called “rember” has the effect of not only halting the progress of Alzheimer’s but actually reversing the damage already done.
The video below explains this hopeful development better than I can. I just pray that this miracle drug can move to market faster than the projected 4-5 years. Will you pray with me?
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Karen - Midlife Coach
