A Place for Mom
May 30, 2008
Have you ever had to look for a home for your aging parent? It’s a job no child wants to tackle. We’ve always thought of our parents as being “in charge” and then sometime during midlife the tables start to turn. It may happen all of a sudden or gradually but many of us in the Boomer generation will find ourselves becoming the parent to our parents.
It’s sobering to acknowledge that your parents are unable to care for themselves. When it happens adult children either decide to bring our parents home with us or find some assisted living situation. Whichever option you choose, this is one of the more difficult stops on the midlife trip.
When my father was alive and declining with congestive heart failure, we found a wonderful caregiver to come in and assist Dad and my mother, who had struggled with dementia for years. The caregiver, Barbara, was wonderful and we’re convinced that her faithful attention to Dad added another year to his life after he suffered a stroke.
But after Dad died (it’s taken me 5 years to be able to say this word “died”), Barbara moved on and we had yet another caregiver in for Mom. When my mother suffered one of the mini-strokes that has marked the progression of her dementia, the neurologist told us that we needed to find 24 hour care — ASAP!
I remember making the rounds of assisted living facilities and finding one that looked pleasant and didn’t smell like urine. But beyond that it’s amazing how much I didn’t and still don’t know about how to select an assisted living facility.
Well, my sister and I have been thinking lately about finding a different assisted living environment for Mom. This time, though, I didn’t focus just on aesthetics and the “smell test”. I got smart and contacted A Place for Mom.com to help with the search. It was a great move in all respects.
After my initial email, I got a call back from Margaret, an eldercare advisor. She did a lengthy intake on my mother’s needs and our goals for her care. Less than 2 hours after our conversation, Margaret emailed me a list of group homes for Alzheimer’s victims that I was to tour the next day. My sister and I had never contemplated a group home. We thought the choices were a big assisted living community or a nursing home.
But after hearing me talk about Mom, Margaret knew that she could benefit from a smaller, cozier home environment. So she sent me on a tour of 4 group homes with information that included:
- Confirmation of the 4 appointments.
- Contact information for the owners.
- Locations and links to online directions.
- A list of criteria and questions to ask and
- A chart where I could note my comments about each facility.
Long story short, the first place was the best. After a second visit with my sister, we both liked the facility and the owners so much that we made our decision quickly and will settle Mom into her new digs this weekend.
If you’re at the fork in the road on how to find the best care for your aging parents, A Place for Mom can streamline your search and decision-making process and just plain take the sting out of what is a tough situation. Whether you want to care for your parent at home or find an outside facility like we did, A Place for Mom can help you too.
Some Changes at Midlife’s A Trip
May 28, 2008
For the regular readers at Midlife’s A Trip, you may notice some changes here this week. With the help of website guru Tammy Pereira, we have merged my life coaching website and blog. It’s all a Wordpress platform with the new Revolution theme. The site comes up on my new coaching homepage. But to make the transition as easy as possible, we put a big red blog button there that will whisk you away directly to the blog.
If you have time though, wander through the new site and sign up for the free interactive Wheel of Midlife and e-newsletter. I look forward to your feedback and continued visits to Midlife’s A Trip.
The Bat — Lessons from the Universe
May 28, 2008
Have you ever had a situation keep coming up over and over again in your life. Maybe it’s a relationship with the same kind of wrong person. Or a the same issue coming up again and again in your work life. Now you may think this sounds kind of hokey but consider that a pattern of dealing with life issues that gives you a negative result is a sign that the Universe has a lesson for you. And everytime you don’t learn the lesson, you’re doomed to repeat it — over and over and over again.
Think of it this way. Each time you are presented with the lesson and don’t get it, the Universe takes a baseball bat and smacks you in the head, metaphorically speaking. But it may actually feel like that to you when you’re in the middle of the latest crisis. I speak from experience.
Every time you get hit with the bat, the blow hurts in a major way. You may recover from the blow and bounce back but the “lump on your head” from the bat never quite goes away. It’s always there as a permanent tender spot that hurts even worse the next time the lesson is presented, you don’t get it and the Universe smacks you again.
Well you can’t undo what’s already happened in your life. But you can stop making the mistake of thinking that you only have to deal with the present crisis. At some point you have to learn the lesson. If you don’t, inevitably the lesson presents itself again. Sound familiar. If it does, you have a chance to learn the lesson once and for all.
Instead of feeling that life is out to get you, see yourself at a fork in the road. One path leads to “get the lesson, lead an easier life”. The other is the baseball bat waiting to smack you again because again you didn’t get a lesson from the Universe. A change in perspective can help you learn the lesson. Then you can be out of the way the next time the bat swings.
A Gift for Madeleine
May 27, 2008
Have you ever had someone cheer you on in life — to let let know how great you are? If you have, you’ll remember what a great feeling it is. Acknowledgment isn’t just about recognizing someones success doing a task or taking some action. It’s about appreciating them for how they show up — with values, purpose and true intentions. So when you acknowledge someone for who they really are, it’s a gift.
The great thing about blogging is that you can write about whatever you want. So today’s post is in honor of Madeleine who will be celebrated and acknowledged by many others today at her retirement party. I’ve known Madeleine for over 15 years but it’s only over the last year that our friendship started to grow — here at Midlife’s A Trip. You see Madeleine became my first reader — almost literally. At this midlife moment I can’t recall when I told Madeleine that I had started a blog but as soon as I did she became a daily reader.
Blogging is so different from anything I’ve ever done. A year or so ago, I didn’t even know what a blog was. In fact the idea of putting my thoughts out there in the blogosphere for anyone to read was almost scary. But this was destined to be part of my midlife trip so I became a blogger in my 50s.
Most of the friends I told about my new skill of blogging said “that’s nice”. My techie son rolled his eyes at the idea. But Madeleine made time everyday on her lunch hour to read whatever I wrote — even my occasional liberal political rant. There were times when I’d think “what would Madeleine say” as I wrote a particular post. Her readership and support were a gift of acknowledgment to me and I can honestly say I think I’m a better blogger for it.
Recently Madeleine and I had the opportunity to sit down for lunch. We talked about her upcoming retirement and she shared her dreams for this next phase of her midlife trip. In the past, people approaching retirement didn’t have the kind of vision for the future that Madeleine has. There was a line in the sand — retire and you crossed over into a place where there were lower expectations of what life would offer from that point on. Not any more. Now baby boomers like Madeleine are looking at the next half of life as the better half.
So on this day when Madeleine embarks on the exciting next part of her midlife trip, I want to acknowledge her support and friendship. I truly appreciate the person she is and the way she shows up in the world – especially in my little corner of the blogosphere.
Congratulations Madeleine on your retirement and — this blog’s for you!
Lest We Forget
May 26, 2008
As I get ready to fire up the grill and throw the burgers and hot dogs on, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on the reason why we celebrate Memorial Day. The picture below says it all. I just hope we get the point soon that there are enough white crosses already marking the graves of American men and women who have given service and their lives in honor of country. We don’t need anymore. So lest we forget . . .
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Karen - Midlife Coach
